Monday, July 26, 2010

Silence of the Lamb

Previously published in Myspace dated Tuesday, July 24, 2007

"Silence of the lamb", is when Jodie Foster keep hearing the noises from the lambs from something that happen to her during her childhood. The noises from the lamb are just annoying noises in her head, and she will hear them when she's alone, awoke in the middle of the night... feeling scared. The noises disappeared after she defeated her own self, her own demon...

But this lamb is different. This lamb got silenced after being defeated by life experience...

There we are, sitting in the mamak stall having teh tarik. I seldom had personal conversation with two ladies at the same time, but that evening was different. She don't mind pouring her heart out in front of of me and another person. I guess, she kept it for so long that it just have to burst.

"I just stayed with him because of the kids. We are like strangers who happen to live together..", she said with a gloomy face. She looked sad during the whole conversation. The other lady friend just kept quiet, drinking her teh tarik.

She has been married for many years. She even has kids in secondary school and yes, she was talking about her hubby.

"My hubby was out of job in 1997. At that times, I was struggling to make ends meet. Both of us was struggling, but I was working days and nighs between 2 jobs to make our family survive. At that time, my hubby stayed home, jobless."

I nodded occationally. I looked into her watery eyes, and sometimes looked at the other lady. She was just listening too... I guess, both of us just want to let her pour it out.

"Then one day, I looked at myself in the reflection of a display-window of the Pertama Shoppling complex. I was so sad looking at myself. Walk in slippers so that I can walk fast. Wear shabby baju kurung coz I couldn't care less of what I wear. I really looked many years older than my age. I told myself, I will change. I must change..."

"I worked hard. I grabbed all the opportunity to make extra money. Insurance, MLM... you name it, I did it. At the same time, I was trying to get a job for my hubby too. Finally, we get out of the hole, at least that's what I thought..."

I was sipping my teh tarik, still looking into her eyes... "What happen after that?", I asked.

"He has been completely change. He never spoke to me anymore. Many times I confronted him, let's forget for what had happen. He should not feel bad or ashamed about what had happen during those years. Many people faced the same situation too, but we must move on. But he don't want to talk at all. Talking to him is like talking to... urrrrggghhhhh!!!", she just can't continue her sentence. I knew what she meant.

"Was he always like that, I mean, since the beginning of your marriage?", I asked.

"No. It was after he went into that hole with his business that he changed. He don't care about the family. He don't care about me. I feel that I'm running the family alone. We can pass by in our own house, rubbing shoulder but no eyes contact...!", her eyes was watery. I know she would cry should it were not because of all the people around us.

Emotional scar is something hard to see, difficult to detect and most people just don't even know that it exist, let alone to heal it. The problem with the hubby is that he don't know that he has a problem, or he think that the world has a problem, not him. He's like a broken tape recorder playing the same verse of song over-and-over again, neither stopping nor moving forward. He has stuck in his painful past, unable to move forward with his life. He probably didn't feel anything, not even the pain of his wife and children. One person get the scar, and everyone else around him get the pain.

"So what are you doing now?", I asked.

"I've stop trying. I gave up with him years ago. If he want to change, he has to change himself. For me, my kids have grown up. Every Friday is my own-time day. I'll go out after work, meet friends and catch up with life. I'll probably went home late nite, but he won't even care. So why should I. We never talk at home anyway. He may want to get stuck in his hole forever, but I want to live". Yup, that was Friday night when we had that conversation.

"Hmmmm... The first thing he has to do is open his mouth and talk.", I said, smiling, sipping my teh tarik.

"Yeah, the only time he'll talk to me is when he need some money. Even for that, he never said thanks.", she said.

When anyone tell me of their marital problem, I'll encourage them to talk it out with their spouse. Sometimes, I'll suggest what to say, how to say it, how or where to start the conversation. The key point is to talk. Conversation need to happen so that the problem can be well understood by both sides.

In her case, when concersation has died to the point of no return, nothing much can be done. She can talk all day to her hubby, but talking to a brick wall would be less painful...

"I don't even want to ask about your sexual life", I said after a long silence, smiled.

She returned my smile and said, "That already gone sooo long ago..."

"Is that how you get closed to your current boyfriend?", I asked.

"Yeah...", she said, smiling again...

Hmmm... Now that's another story....


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