Monday, July 26, 2010

Silence of the Lamb

Previously published in Myspace dated Tuesday, July 24, 2007

"Silence of the lamb", is when Jodie Foster keep hearing the noises from the lambs from something that happen to her during her childhood. The noises from the lamb are just annoying noises in her head, and she will hear them when she's alone, awoke in the middle of the night... feeling scared. The noises disappeared after she defeated her own self, her own demon...

But this lamb is different. This lamb got silenced after being defeated by life experience...

There we are, sitting in the mamak stall having teh tarik. I seldom had personal conversation with two ladies at the same time, but that evening was different. She don't mind pouring her heart out in front of of me and another person. I guess, she kept it for so long that it just have to burst.

"I just stayed with him because of the kids. We are like strangers who happen to live together..", she said with a gloomy face. She looked sad during the whole conversation. The other lady friend just kept quiet, drinking her teh tarik.

She has been married for many years. She even has kids in secondary school and yes, she was talking about her hubby.

"My hubby was out of job in 1997. At that times, I was struggling to make ends meet. Both of us was struggling, but I was working days and nighs between 2 jobs to make our family survive. At that time, my hubby stayed home, jobless."

I nodded occationally. I looked into her watery eyes, and sometimes looked at the other lady. She was just listening too... I guess, both of us just want to let her pour it out.

"Then one day, I looked at myself in the reflection of a display-window of the Pertama Shoppling complex. I was so sad looking at myself. Walk in slippers so that I can walk fast. Wear shabby baju kurung coz I couldn't care less of what I wear. I really looked many years older than my age. I told myself, I will change. I must change..."

"I worked hard. I grabbed all the opportunity to make extra money. Insurance, MLM... you name it, I did it. At the same time, I was trying to get a job for my hubby too. Finally, we get out of the hole, at least that's what I thought..."

I was sipping my teh tarik, still looking into her eyes... "What happen after that?", I asked.

"He has been completely change. He never spoke to me anymore. Many times I confronted him, let's forget for what had happen. He should not feel bad or ashamed about what had happen during those years. Many people faced the same situation too, but we must move on. But he don't want to talk at all. Talking to him is like talking to... urrrrggghhhhh!!!", she just can't continue her sentence. I knew what she meant.

"Was he always like that, I mean, since the beginning of your marriage?", I asked.

"No. It was after he went into that hole with his business that he changed. He don't care about the family. He don't care about me. I feel that I'm running the family alone. We can pass by in our own house, rubbing shoulder but no eyes contact...!", her eyes was watery. I know she would cry should it were not because of all the people around us.

Emotional scar is something hard to see, difficult to detect and most people just don't even know that it exist, let alone to heal it. The problem with the hubby is that he don't know that he has a problem, or he think that the world has a problem, not him. He's like a broken tape recorder playing the same verse of song over-and-over again, neither stopping nor moving forward. He has stuck in his painful past, unable to move forward with his life. He probably didn't feel anything, not even the pain of his wife and children. One person get the scar, and everyone else around him get the pain.

"So what are you doing now?", I asked.

"I've stop trying. I gave up with him years ago. If he want to change, he has to change himself. For me, my kids have grown up. Every Friday is my own-time day. I'll go out after work, meet friends and catch up with life. I'll probably went home late nite, but he won't even care. So why should I. We never talk at home anyway. He may want to get stuck in his hole forever, but I want to live". Yup, that was Friday night when we had that conversation.

"Hmmmm... The first thing he has to do is open his mouth and talk.", I said, smiling, sipping my teh tarik.

"Yeah, the only time he'll talk to me is when he need some money. Even for that, he never said thanks.", she said.

When anyone tell me of their marital problem, I'll encourage them to talk it out with their spouse. Sometimes, I'll suggest what to say, how to say it, how or where to start the conversation. The key point is to talk. Conversation need to happen so that the problem can be well understood by both sides.

In her case, when concersation has died to the point of no return, nothing much can be done. She can talk all day to her hubby, but talking to a brick wall would be less painful...

"I don't even want to ask about your sexual life", I said after a long silence, smiled.

She returned my smile and said, "That already gone sooo long ago..."

"Is that how you get closed to your current boyfriend?", I asked.

"Yeah...", she said, smiling again...

Hmmm... Now that's another story....


Thursday, July 15, 2010

Sexual Relation Extreme II - The Wife

Previously published in Myspace dated Monday, July 09, 2007

We were still having our drinks. Both of us were not saying anything. I guess, we were still thinking about that story of the hubby who can't get his dick up with his wife. Contrary to popular believes, man's dick do not have a mind of it's own. It won't simply stand up in the sight of a naked woman.

Then my lady friend broke the silence. "Another guy friend told me that his wife can't feel any pleasure when having sex, that she just being cold with sex. Most times, she will reject his advance for sex. She won't accept the idea of variation during sex, so they will only do one sexual position which is the missionary position."

I raised my eye-brow. "Maybe something wrong with him. Perhaps he did not do it right. Afterall, he's the captain of his vessel. Perhaps he simply don't know how to stir his vessel towards the horizon", I said, smiling.

"That's exactly what he thought...", my lady friend said. "He thought perhaps there is something wrong with him that his wife can't feel any pleasure during sex, until he had an affair with another woman. Then he knew that he is normal." I raised my eye-brow again.

"Having an affair because of curiosity of his own sexual performance? I know a lot of man do just that for that very same reason.", I said, still smiling. "But why is the wife doesn't like having sex? Any particular reason?", I asked.

"Can't really say the actual reason, but she was brought up with the idea that sex is dirty. Sex is just for human reproduction. When sex is dirty, the pleasure from sex is taken as something which is not a good thing. So I guess, she just shut her mind off when having sex.", my lady friend made her theory.

Her theory could be right. Again, sex is 90% a mind game. Human have the ability to shut off pain to the point that he won't feel any pain. I guess, the same ability is applicable towards sexual pleasure - shutting off the feeling of sexual pleasure, resulting in undesirable sexual relationship even when with a legally wedded husband.

I finished up my drinks and called it the day. Sex may not the only reason why marriages get broken, but it is definately one of them...

Sexual Relation Extreme I: The Husband

Previously published in Myspace dated Monday, July 09, 2007

The couple is as normal as any couple. In the eyes of their relatives and friends, they looked OK. In the eyes of each other, they are not. Their problem is something they don't want anyone to see... Their problem is deep -- deep in their heart, deep in their bedroom...

They are one of the case of arranged marriage with close relative. For the wife, he is her hubby. For her husband, she is his sister. Yup, that's what he said. That's the reason he gave on why he can't get erection when he is with the wife.

It is not simply just a reason he gave to justify his inability to get erection with his wife. He had an affair and he was able to have sex with his affair. In fact, he actually get her pregnant. He can achieve all those with his affair but not with his wife. His dick can't even stand up.

I was having this conversation with a lady friend when she mentioned this about her guy friend. That guy does pity his wife and he does felt that he should be responsible to fulfill her sexual needs, but he simply can't do it. No matter how sexy she made herself looked like, or how sensual she tried to act, but he can't get his dick up.

The only time his wife able to have sex with him is when he had one of his morning erections. She will just used that opportunity, to ride her hubby towards her sexual satisfaction while he is still half asleep. Forget embarrasment, sexual needs come first.

I told my lady friend, sex is 10% physical and 90% mind game. The guy want to take revenge on his mother for making him to marry someone while he probably already had a girlfriend. Unfortunately his wife become the victim of that revenge instead of his mother. Everytime he think about having sex with his wife, his hate for his mother's decision haunted him. Too bad he can't get over it.

There are a lot of medicine for those who have physical problem with their dick, but no medicine can help with their mind. Some marriage simply should not have happen...


Saturday, July 10, 2010

What Will You Sacrifice For Love?

Previously published in Myspace dated Saturday, May 26, 2007

"I need to talk to someone. Are you free tonight?". That's the SMS I received on Wesnesday. I'm kinda ultra busy this week, that I went home late almost everyday. I didn't wish to go out when I'm too tired, so I have to decline. "Hai. Long time no hear. I'm kinda busy this week. How about Friday night?". She replied with an OK. So I have a date Friday night. Perfect.

I ordered my teh tarik while waiting for her. She arrived not long after, and ordered hers. I haven't met her for quite a while, and she looked as nice as always. "Hai, how's life", I said while she sit down. "I'm OK", she said. "You didn't sound OK a couple of days ago...", I said. She just smile... "I'm OK now..."

Then we started to talk about her work, her daughter, and her family. She is a divorcee with a beautiful daughter. Nothing suggested that those were the things she wanted to talk about when she SMS'ed me last Wednesday. She was going round-and-round, talking about other things instead of the things that really troubled her mind.

"Datuk S contacted me again.", she started. I knew her story about Datuk S. He had tried to lure her into the bed with him, but she politely said no. I always thought that the story ends there. "What about him. He troubled you again?", I asked. "No he didn't. We are just like friends now.", she said. I just looked at her in silence.

"You know I'm seeing someone now, right?", she said. I nodded.

"Long ago, when I was with my ex-boyfriend, he was in trouble. He defaulted his car installment, and was about to loose that car. So I went to Datuk S for help...", she was starring at her glass of teh tarik. "Then Datuk said, I have to give and take. So he took out his cheque book, and signed a thousand ringgit cheque right there and then. I felt so cheap and stupid. Then we went up to the room and had sex."

"Wasn't that your ex-boyfriend who broke up with you for that bohsia from JB, after which you tried to commit suicide?", I asked. I remembered her telling me her story some time ago. After that broke up, she request for a last meeting with that guy. She went to a pharmacy with him and bought a 10 strips of panadol. 10 piece per strip. Then they went to a mamak stall, and she popped all the 100 pieces of panadols in front of him, while he just watched in horror. Then he rushed her to the hospital where she got detoxed and admitted for a couple of weeks. However, they still broke up after that.

"Yup, it was him. He didn't even know where I got the money from. I just gave the money to him, bailing him out of his trouble. But I felt like a prostitute... so cheap... so stupid...", she still starring at her glass of teh tarik. So that's what troubled her since Wednesday. She need to talk to someone about her past, and make peace with herself. I just let her to deal with herself, her past.

"You just did what you think the best at that time, scarificing for something you believed as love. You probably can't think of any other way, but the obligation to help him to relief his pain.", I said, slowly. "While it was indeed very stupid, it is something that had happen in your past. You've learn from it, and had grown up out of it. You don't have to feel so bad now", I said.

"I know. Those episode keep playing in my head too frequently lately, and I just want to stop it. That's why I'm talking to you now. I hope it will stop.", she said. I really don't know how I can stop whatever that played in her head, but I just nodded in silence.

"It is just a memory. A bad memory nevertheless, but just a memory", I said. She nodded.

"Was he good?", I asked.

"Who? Datuk S?".

"Yup... Was he good in bed?", I asked again, with a grin.

"Ha ha ha... Not at all. He got a very small penis, and he had to take viagra before we started... I'm telling you the truth.", she chuckled. "And he's very rough too. He bite, clawed, and did all those rough things. He really don't know how to make love. Ha ha ha... I'll never have sex with him again", she chuckled again. That's the first time I saw her smile that night.

"Well... then there is nothing for you to remember about that past. Forget it and move on", I said. She just took a deep long breath, and exhaled. "Yeah.. I guess so.", she said.

We talked about other things after that, mostly about her current relationship with her new boyfriend. We departed not long after that, leaving me with a lot of thoughts.


Friday, July 9, 2010

Lesson from Grey's Anatomy

Previously published in Myspace dated Tuesday, May 08, 2007

I watch Grey's Anatomy on Channel 70 Astro. The recent episode titled "17 Seconds" was about Denny who is to received a heart, but being beaten by 17 seconds during the donor registration to the guy who in on the top list. As Izzie said, what is a 17-seconds? It is not even enough for a good kiss! How true... A really good kiss can last for hours!

But I'm not writting about Izzie or Denny. I'm writting about George O'Malley and Callie Torres.

In one short scene, last for about 10 seconds, Callie Torres was sitting on a bench with George O'Malley, talking about something. Suddenly, Callie raise her face, looked directly into George's eyes, and say, "I love you". Both of them just stunned for 2 seconds, then Callie tried to backtracked herself, "I'm sorry, you are not going to freak out, are you." George just smile, then come Izzie trying to get George help for something she want to do with Denny.

That 10 seconds scene interest me a lot. I can forget about the whole episode, but I will never forget that 10 seconds scene. It kept playing in my mind like a broken tape recorder...

We all know that George has sex with Callie after that blunder with Meredith. So what's wrong here? Is it expected that if friendship still intact after having sex, love should be there? Callie just say what she feels, which is great. But what if George does not share the same feeling? Should Callie just live with a broken heart?

Oh yeah, it is just Grey's Anatomy. It is not even real. Hmmm... The reason those 10 seconds stuck in my mind was because it is real.

Many months ago, I had a teh-tarik with a lady friend. She wanted to talk to me because she was so confused. She had sex with a guy. It was supposed to be a one-nite stand. But then she fall in love to that guy. Deeply in love. So deep that it hurts her and made her confused. She asked me, "Just one sex, and I become like this??? It is not like I never had sex before!"

I just listen. "Then what do you wanna do?", I asked.

"Last nite, I sms him. I told him how I feel, that I loved him so much and it hurts me.", she said.

"Did he replied?", I asked.

"He called me. He said that he is sorry that he do not have the same feeling toward me.", She said. I looked into her watery eyes. "But then he said, he's not going to freak out and run away from me. As long as I want to be his friend, I can have whatever feeling I want, but I should never force him to love me back. He said, no one can force love.", she continued.

I just looked at her. I can't say much. Indeed, no one can force love. She can't force herself NOT to love him, and he can't force himself to love her, even though they already had sex.

"What you wanna do now? Leave him?", I asked.

She said, "I have no reason to break my friendship with him. He accepted me as friend, and that's a good thing. I don't have to chase him since he's not running away. I dunno what to do! Tell me something...."

"Hmmm... Let's just let things goes naturally, I guess.", I said.

Till today, they are still friends. Till today, she still loved him and only get deeper. Till today, he told her that he does not have the same feeling, but will not run away simply because she loved him.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

The Marshmallow Test

Previously published in Myspace dated Saturday, May 05, 2007

In 1960's, a psychologist Walter Mischel had run a project to correlate impulse control among four-year olds to their success in academic achievement. The test was simple. Put a four-year old in a room, with a plate of one marshmallow. Tell that kid, if he/she don't take it until an adult came in, he/she will be given two marshmallows. Some kids took the single marshmallow the second the tester left the room. Others tried to restrain him/her self by singing, walking in circle, or even tried to pretend to sleep to avoid the temptation of that single marshmallow. Twenty to thirty minutes later, the rewards given to those who can restrain him/herself - they were given two marshmallows.

10 years down the road, the progress of those kid were evaluated again. Supprisingly, those kids who waited patiently at the age of four, were having much higher score in their test and were more eager to learn in the classroom. Those who has waited the longest scored the highest amoung those kids under test. This project was named "The Marshmallow Test". (Source: Emotional Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman, Chapter 6).

I received an SMS from a lady friend yesterday around noon. It reads, "My friend asked me to joined them for a wild sex party at a hotel, starting 3pm today. She was very persuasive. I'm afraid I can't bare the temptation. I haven't had sex for a while now...."

I read the SMS and smile. I know her friend, and yes she is a very-very persuasive type of a person. But can my lady friend resist the tempation like the four-year old resist the single marshmallow's temptation? I looked at the clock and told myself, they probably checked out the hotel the next day by twelve noon. I'll contact her at 1pm after the check-out time to see whether she joined that sex party or not... That would be very interesting.

I know her very well. She has a very high sexual drive, and from what she had told me before, only her boyfren can satisfy her. Now, those statement is being tested by the temptation of something that most people only heard of as rumours. For most people, wild sex party among friends are something unthinkable or perhaps bring shiver to the spine. Simple rules applied. Everyone can come with a friend of an opposite gender, but no spouse or regular partner to avoid jelousy. Keep secret. No drugs, but afrodasiacs are OK. Bisexuality and partner changing would be expected. A definate orgy with at least 3 or 4 pairs per bed.

Can she pass this marshmallow test? Can she resist this wild sex party? Sex wise, this is like resisting ten marshmallows and patiently waited for two. Some people may ask me, why don't I stop her? Simple. I just want to see whether she can decide for her own good, whether she has a good judgement. I will still look at her as who she is whether she joined that party or not.

At around 1am, she sms me, telling me some normal news. I was still awake that time. Nothing sexual. My guess, she did not go to the party, otherwise she should still be in that orgy thing. They won't stop the orgy till morning for sure. At about 9am, I replied her sms. I asked, "Did you joined the sex party yesterday?" She never lied to me before. She replied an hour later, "Nope, I went to the room, and realize that it is not for me anymore. So I left."

I guess, she passed the marshmallow test. I'm looking forward 10 years from now, to see whether she can be a successful person. Deep inside me tells me that she could.