Saturday, March 26, 2011

[Listen] Addicted To Sex?

"You are addicted to sex... it's somekind of mental disorder...", she said...

We had lunch... It's nice to have lunch sometimes. The calamari and chips tasted so much better than the chocolate bar I had for luch the day earlier...

"Yeah, maybe I am... but is it bad to get addicted to such a beautiful thing?", I asked her. She smiled. She had a beautiful smile.

"All addiction is considered mental disorder. It's something we Malaysian do not take seriously...". Well, she's a psychology student. She learn these thing. I never learn those. With all the campaign on drug addiction, the word "addict" always carry a very negative connotation.

We had a good conversation I supposed. She tried to analyse me along the way. Maybe it's because of the relationship with my dad? How will this affect my family and kids? I may lose focus to my family because of all this addiction, and they may grow up not as good as they should be....

And since I love sex so much with others, I may had married the wrong person and shud leave her... Well.. I dunno how that will effect the growth of those kids if I were to do that, I supposed... So while we had our conversation, conflicting things run into my mind...

Well I guess we can't be living trying to satisfy everyone. Bill Cosby said, "I don't know the secret to success, but the secret to failure is trying to satisfy everyone...". But I guess we can always try to make everyone happy. If I can make my family very happy, and at the same time I'm able to make myself happy, hey, why not?

This is how I wanna think from now on, whether I will be labelled as an addict or not, it doesn't matter. If I'm a blacksmith, I want to be good at turning metals into useful stuffs. Whether I use my own tools, or I borrow useful tools from a friend, it doesn't matter. I am good at what I'm doing. I am better than anyone else, and that's what I aiming for.

Same thing if I'm a baker. I wanna be excellent with my bakery skills. I may have to learn from so many people, but those are the experience I need to be an excellent baker. Will I be an addict to the perfection in the sills of bakery? So be it... I'll be proud of it..

Same as  sex. So I'm an addict? I'll be proud of it.... coz I know that not many people can do what I can....


Thursday, March 24, 2011

[Listen] Strange Conversation About Love, Sex And Marriage

Previously published in Myspace dated 13 Aug 2007

I watched CSI:NY today, and one the detectives said that there are 3 types of tears. The tears that is emotionally triggered will contains higher traces of manganese and potassium. So based on the tear samples, they will be able to know whether their suspect is genuinely sad or just faking.

But I am no CSI detective.

"Since I have to marry someone without love, I may as well marry a single, right?", she said while starring at her half empty glass of teh tarik. Ahhh, I don't know which one is more appropriate to say, whether it's half empty or half full... But I was just keeping my silence, and look directly into her eyes, listening.

"The person I loved can't marry me. He don't even want to see me or talk to me anymore. Now what should I do? I don't even want anyone else but him. But I can't be with him. So you tell me, what else I should do?"

"I think I can marry a guy, pretend that I love him. Genuinely taking care of him and the house, and bare his child, I mean MY child. I know I will not love him as my heart has gone to someone else, but I can fuck my husband and get pregnant without love, right?", she said with tears. I am no CSI detective, but I knew that there are a lot of manganese and potassium in those tears....

"Damn! Why me??? Why I always have to face this???". Crying.

She is single and she fall in love with a wrong man. She don't even want to fall in love with that guy, but her love was so deep. So deep that it's hurt her more than it make her happy. But many times she told me how grateful she was to be able to feel that kind of love. Many people can just talk or read or imagine about that kind of love, but she felt it and was changed by it. Unfortunately, that guy is now a history.

"How about F? He loved you... I know he's married with kids, but he loved you. The only reason he didn't marry you was because of his family, right? But that was 10 years ago, and now his family had regretted for going against you, right? He still love you till today.", I broke my silence. I knew F. I have a lot of respect towards F although I'd never met him. Everything I knew about F I knew from her.

"But I don't love F. I can't love anyone anymore, damnit! (cry again) That's why I said, since I can't love my future husband, might as well I marry a single guy, and pretend that I loved him...", she said, trumbling. Tears still flowing down her cheeks...

"You knew this single guy?", I asked, refering to the single guy she was talking about.

"We had a long conversation over the phone last night, from 12 midnight till 5:30am. He talked about a lot of things. But I know, once I'm with him, my love and sex life will all be gone. What I experienced in the past will never come back...", she said. I knew what she meant. The deep emotion he had was somehow related to her sexual relationship with her previous boyfriend. That's what she said to me before, that it was the sex with him that brought out that deep love, deep emotion. So now she believe that she will not find love anymore.

I sipped my teh tarik slowly. "We can't see our future. Whether you love a person or not, it is not a guarantee for a happy life... But it seems to me that you simply want a child with this guy...", I said, slowly.

She inhale slowly, and exhale. "Yes, that's all I want, and I wish that my child will be the source of my future happiness. I know I can't love my husband, but I know I can love my child."

I just nodded. I nodded without any good reason. It is not because I agreed with what she said nor because I think that she had a good plan for her life. Infact, I think her life plan is terrible and she took a huge gamble. But I guess I nodded because just like anything else in this uncertain world, any decision she take may lead to a good life.

Now I think as if a glass is half full instead of half empty, otherwise I'll say that any decision she take may lead to a miserable life...

[HitTheRoad] The Virgin Massagee

Previously published in Myspace dated 3 Aug 2007

I was in the taxi from Bangkok airport to Amari Atrium Hotel. As I expected, the taxi driver would want to help me to get thai girls for massage, full package, everything included. While I'm not particularly interested to have that kind of sexual experience, I innocently asked questions for the sake of asking...

Will the massage include sex? How long is it per session? How much is it? Are the girls young...? You know, standard questions. Yes, the massage will include all sexual acts I ever dreamt of, 2 hours per session, for 2300 to 2500 baht, and I can choose my girls from the display. Thanks, but no thanks.

But that was during my arrival Tuesday night when I was tired. Today is Thursday, and I'm all fresh... hahaha...

I entered the building. Very nice, cosy, and traditional thai ambient. Aromateraphy candles everywhere, giving relaxing mood and exotic sight. A young lady came, and my thai friend talked to her, telling her what I want - 2 hours of massage. And I want a private room. And I am a virgin massagee, so please be gentle....
After paying upfront, we were pointed to a seat. Waiting period for Thursday night is about 5 minutes.

Weekends? Perhaps hours... Then we were called, and we entered another hall with seats. We took out our shoes, and I was introduced to my massuer, a pretty lady of mid 20's. Was I nervous? A little bit. She took my shoes and gave me a pair of slipper. She kept the shoe, and gesture me to follow her. We went to the 3rd floor.

The room was nice, airconditioned, clean sheet, and very aromatic. Slow music played in the background. My massuer disappeared and came back with loose garment I supposed to wear, and the she left. I closed the door, stripped naked, and get change. Then I opened the door and sit on the bad. Waiting.

Not long after, she came and closed the door. She asked me to lay down. She asked whether I need another pillow, but I said no. I still was kinda nervous. Slowly, she started. First with both my feet, then the whole left legs till the upper thigh, and then she did the same to the right leg. The leg works took a good 40 minutes. She used everything - thumb, palm, elbows, arms and her body weight to do the massage.

Then she started to do my hand. It wasn't long before I fall asleep! I was awaken by a phone call. Damnit!! My boss called due to a customer meeting he supposed to attand tommorow. He need to attend that meeting because I'm in Bangkok. Padan muka dia...

After I hang up my bos, she asked me to turn, and started to do my back. Again, thumb, palm, elbows, arms were used. Not only being massaged, my body were stretched and pulled to its limit. Then she go down to my butt and my legs again. When done, she asked whether I want her to do my head. I said yes... I know I won't regret that.. hahaha...

She started working with my head, my neck and my upper body. Then again, body stretches and pulls... I felt so amazing.

2 hours, and I was done. I gave her a tip for such a plesent experience. An experience I'll never forget.

Total cost? 250 baht for the massage, 100 baht for the room, and 120 baht for the tips. In ringgit - roughly about RM47. Not so bad for a 2 hours massage.

Now I no longer a virgin massagee...

Ahhh... that massage place I went even has a website -->

Monday, July 26, 2010

Silence of the Lamb

Previously published in Myspace dated Tuesday, July 24, 2007

"Silence of the lamb", is when Jodie Foster keep hearing the noises from the lambs from something that happen to her during her childhood. The noises from the lamb are just annoying noises in her head, and she will hear them when she's alone, awoke in the middle of the night... feeling scared. The noises disappeared after she defeated her own self, her own demon...

But this lamb is different. This lamb got silenced after being defeated by life experience...

There we are, sitting in the mamak stall having teh tarik. I seldom had personal conversation with two ladies at the same time, but that evening was different. She don't mind pouring her heart out in front of of me and another person. I guess, she kept it for so long that it just have to burst.

"I just stayed with him because of the kids. We are like strangers who happen to live together..", she said with a gloomy face. She looked sad during the whole conversation. The other lady friend just kept quiet, drinking her teh tarik.

She has been married for many years. She even has kids in secondary school and yes, she was talking about her hubby.

"My hubby was out of job in 1997. At that times, I was struggling to make ends meet. Both of us was struggling, but I was working days and nighs between 2 jobs to make our family survive. At that time, my hubby stayed home, jobless."

I nodded occationally. I looked into her watery eyes, and sometimes looked at the other lady. She was just listening too... I guess, both of us just want to let her pour it out.

"Then one day, I looked at myself in the reflection of a display-window of the Pertama Shoppling complex. I was so sad looking at myself. Walk in slippers so that I can walk fast. Wear shabby baju kurung coz I couldn't care less of what I wear. I really looked many years older than my age. I told myself, I will change. I must change..."

"I worked hard. I grabbed all the opportunity to make extra money. Insurance, MLM... you name it, I did it. At the same time, I was trying to get a job for my hubby too. Finally, we get out of the hole, at least that's what I thought..."

I was sipping my teh tarik, still looking into her eyes... "What happen after that?", I asked.

"He has been completely change. He never spoke to me anymore. Many times I confronted him, let's forget for what had happen. He should not feel bad or ashamed about what had happen during those years. Many people faced the same situation too, but we must move on. But he don't want to talk at all. Talking to him is like talking to... urrrrggghhhhh!!!", she just can't continue her sentence. I knew what she meant.

"Was he always like that, I mean, since the beginning of your marriage?", I asked.

"No. It was after he went into that hole with his business that he changed. He don't care about the family. He don't care about me. I feel that I'm running the family alone. We can pass by in our own house, rubbing shoulder but no eyes contact...!", her eyes was watery. I know she would cry should it were not because of all the people around us.

Emotional scar is something hard to see, difficult to detect and most people just don't even know that it exist, let alone to heal it. The problem with the hubby is that he don't know that he has a problem, or he think that the world has a problem, not him. He's like a broken tape recorder playing the same verse of song over-and-over again, neither stopping nor moving forward. He has stuck in his painful past, unable to move forward with his life. He probably didn't feel anything, not even the pain of his wife and children. One person get the scar, and everyone else around him get the pain.

"So what are you doing now?", I asked.

"I've stop trying. I gave up with him years ago. If he want to change, he has to change himself. For me, my kids have grown up. Every Friday is my own-time day. I'll go out after work, meet friends and catch up with life. I'll probably went home late nite, but he won't even care. So why should I. We never talk at home anyway. He may want to get stuck in his hole forever, but I want to live". Yup, that was Friday night when we had that conversation.

"Hmmmm... The first thing he has to do is open his mouth and talk.", I said, smiling, sipping my teh tarik.

"Yeah, the only time he'll talk to me is when he need some money. Even for that, he never said thanks.", she said.

When anyone tell me of their marital problem, I'll encourage them to talk it out with their spouse. Sometimes, I'll suggest what to say, how to say it, how or where to start the conversation. The key point is to talk. Conversation need to happen so that the problem can be well understood by both sides.

In her case, when concersation has died to the point of no return, nothing much can be done. She can talk all day to her hubby, but talking to a brick wall would be less painful...

"I don't even want to ask about your sexual life", I said after a long silence, smiled.

She returned my smile and said, "That already gone sooo long ago..."

"Is that how you get closed to your current boyfriend?", I asked.

"Yeah...", she said, smiling again...

Hmmm... Now that's another story....


Thursday, July 15, 2010

Sexual Relation Extreme II - The Wife

Previously published in Myspace dated Monday, July 09, 2007

We were still having our drinks. Both of us were not saying anything. I guess, we were still thinking about that story of the hubby who can't get his dick up with his wife. Contrary to popular believes, man's dick do not have a mind of it's own. It won't simply stand up in the sight of a naked woman.

Then my lady friend broke the silence. "Another guy friend told me that his wife can't feel any pleasure when having sex, that she just being cold with sex. Most times, she will reject his advance for sex. She won't accept the idea of variation during sex, so they will only do one sexual position which is the missionary position."

I raised my eye-brow. "Maybe something wrong with him. Perhaps he did not do it right. Afterall, he's the captain of his vessel. Perhaps he simply don't know how to stir his vessel towards the horizon", I said, smiling.

"That's exactly what he thought...", my lady friend said. "He thought perhaps there is something wrong with him that his wife can't feel any pleasure during sex, until he had an affair with another woman. Then he knew that he is normal." I raised my eye-brow again.

"Having an affair because of curiosity of his own sexual performance? I know a lot of man do just that for that very same reason.", I said, still smiling. "But why is the wife doesn't like having sex? Any particular reason?", I asked.

"Can't really say the actual reason, but she was brought up with the idea that sex is dirty. Sex is just for human reproduction. When sex is dirty, the pleasure from sex is taken as something which is not a good thing. So I guess, she just shut her mind off when having sex.", my lady friend made her theory.

Her theory could be right. Again, sex is 90% a mind game. Human have the ability to shut off pain to the point that he won't feel any pain. I guess, the same ability is applicable towards sexual pleasure - shutting off the feeling of sexual pleasure, resulting in undesirable sexual relationship even when with a legally wedded husband.

I finished up my drinks and called it the day. Sex may not the only reason why marriages get broken, but it is definately one of them...

Sexual Relation Extreme I: The Husband

Previously published in Myspace dated Monday, July 09, 2007

The couple is as normal as any couple. In the eyes of their relatives and friends, they looked OK. In the eyes of each other, they are not. Their problem is something they don't want anyone to see... Their problem is deep -- deep in their heart, deep in their bedroom...

They are one of the case of arranged marriage with close relative. For the wife, he is her hubby. For her husband, she is his sister. Yup, that's what he said. That's the reason he gave on why he can't get erection when he is with the wife.

It is not simply just a reason he gave to justify his inability to get erection with his wife. He had an affair and he was able to have sex with his affair. In fact, he actually get her pregnant. He can achieve all those with his affair but not with his wife. His dick can't even stand up.

I was having this conversation with a lady friend when she mentioned this about her guy friend. That guy does pity his wife and he does felt that he should be responsible to fulfill her sexual needs, but he simply can't do it. No matter how sexy she made herself looked like, or how sensual she tried to act, but he can't get his dick up.

The only time his wife able to have sex with him is when he had one of his morning erections. She will just used that opportunity, to ride her hubby towards her sexual satisfaction while he is still half asleep. Forget embarrasment, sexual needs come first.

I told my lady friend, sex is 10% physical and 90% mind game. The guy want to take revenge on his mother for making him to marry someone while he probably already had a girlfriend. Unfortunately his wife become the victim of that revenge instead of his mother. Everytime he think about having sex with his wife, his hate for his mother's decision haunted him. Too bad he can't get over it.

There are a lot of medicine for those who have physical problem with their dick, but no medicine can help with their mind. Some marriage simply should not have happen...


Saturday, July 10, 2010

What Will You Sacrifice For Love?

Previously published in Myspace dated Saturday, May 26, 2007

"I need to talk to someone. Are you free tonight?". That's the SMS I received on Wesnesday. I'm kinda ultra busy this week, that I went home late almost everyday. I didn't wish to go out when I'm too tired, so I have to decline. "Hai. Long time no hear. I'm kinda busy this week. How about Friday night?". She replied with an OK. So I have a date Friday night. Perfect.

I ordered my teh tarik while waiting for her. She arrived not long after, and ordered hers. I haven't met her for quite a while, and she looked as nice as always. "Hai, how's life", I said while she sit down. "I'm OK", she said. "You didn't sound OK a couple of days ago...", I said. She just smile... "I'm OK now..."

Then we started to talk about her work, her daughter, and her family. She is a divorcee with a beautiful daughter. Nothing suggested that those were the things she wanted to talk about when she SMS'ed me last Wednesday. She was going round-and-round, talking about other things instead of the things that really troubled her mind.

"Datuk S contacted me again.", she started. I knew her story about Datuk S. He had tried to lure her into the bed with him, but she politely said no. I always thought that the story ends there. "What about him. He troubled you again?", I asked. "No he didn't. We are just like friends now.", she said. I just looked at her in silence.

"You know I'm seeing someone now, right?", she said. I nodded.

"Long ago, when I was with my ex-boyfriend, he was in trouble. He defaulted his car installment, and was about to loose that car. So I went to Datuk S for help...", she was starring at her glass of teh tarik. "Then Datuk said, I have to give and take. So he took out his cheque book, and signed a thousand ringgit cheque right there and then. I felt so cheap and stupid. Then we went up to the room and had sex."

"Wasn't that your ex-boyfriend who broke up with you for that bohsia from JB, after which you tried to commit suicide?", I asked. I remembered her telling me her story some time ago. After that broke up, she request for a last meeting with that guy. She went to a pharmacy with him and bought a 10 strips of panadol. 10 piece per strip. Then they went to a mamak stall, and she popped all the 100 pieces of panadols in front of him, while he just watched in horror. Then he rushed her to the hospital where she got detoxed and admitted for a couple of weeks. However, they still broke up after that.

"Yup, it was him. He didn't even know where I got the money from. I just gave the money to him, bailing him out of his trouble. But I felt like a prostitute... so cheap... so stupid...", she still starring at her glass of teh tarik. So that's what troubled her since Wednesday. She need to talk to someone about her past, and make peace with herself. I just let her to deal with herself, her past.

"You just did what you think the best at that time, scarificing for something you believed as love. You probably can't think of any other way, but the obligation to help him to relief his pain.", I said, slowly. "While it was indeed very stupid, it is something that had happen in your past. You've learn from it, and had grown up out of it. You don't have to feel so bad now", I said.

"I know. Those episode keep playing in my head too frequently lately, and I just want to stop it. That's why I'm talking to you now. I hope it will stop.", she said. I really don't know how I can stop whatever that played in her head, but I just nodded in silence.

"It is just a memory. A bad memory nevertheless, but just a memory", I said. She nodded.

"Was he good?", I asked.

"Who? Datuk S?".

"Yup... Was he good in bed?", I asked again, with a grin.

"Ha ha ha... Not at all. He got a very small penis, and he had to take viagra before we started... I'm telling you the truth.", she chuckled. "And he's very rough too. He bite, clawed, and did all those rough things. He really don't know how to make love. Ha ha ha... I'll never have sex with him again", she chuckled again. That's the first time I saw her smile that night.

"Well... then there is nothing for you to remember about that past. Forget it and move on", I said. She just took a deep long breath, and exhaled. "Yeah.. I guess so.", she said.

We talked about other things after that, mostly about her current relationship with her new boyfriend. We departed not long after that, leaving me with a lot of thoughts.