Previously published in Myspace dated 13 Aug 2007
I watched CSI:NY today, and one the detectives said that there are 3 types of tears. The tears that is emotionally triggered will contains higher traces of manganese and potassium. So based on the tear samples, they will be able to know whether their suspect is genuinely sad or just faking.
But I am no CSI detective.
"Since I have to marry someone without love, I may as well marry a single, right?", she said while starring at her half empty glass of teh tarik. Ahhh, I don't know which one is more appropriate to say, whether it's half empty or half full... But I was just keeping my silence, and look directly into her eyes, listening.
"The person I loved can't marry me. He don't even want to see me or talk to me anymore. Now what should I do? I don't even want anyone else but him. But I can't be with him. So you tell me, what else I should do?"
"I think I can marry a guy, pretend that I love him. Genuinely taking care of him and the house, and bare his child, I mean MY child. I know I will not love him as my heart has gone to someone else, but I can fuck my husband and get pregnant without love, right?", she said with tears. I am no CSI detective, but I knew that there are a lot of manganese and potassium in those tears....
"Damn! Why me??? Why I always have to face this???". Crying.
She is single and she fall in love with a wrong man. She don't even want to fall in love with that guy, but her love was so deep. So deep that it's hurt her more than it make her happy. But many times she told me how grateful she was to be able to feel that kind of love. Many people can just talk or read or imagine about that kind of love, but she felt it and was changed by it. Unfortunately, that guy is now a history.
"How about F? He loved you... I know he's married with kids, but he loved you. The only reason he didn't marry you was because of his family, right? But that was 10 years ago, and now his family had regretted for going against you, right? He still love you till today.", I broke my silence. I knew F. I have a lot of respect towards F although I'd never met him. Everything I knew about F I knew from her.
"But I don't love F. I can't love anyone anymore, damnit! (cry again) That's why I said, since I can't love my future husband, might as well I marry a single guy, and pretend that I loved him...", she said, trumbling. Tears still flowing down her cheeks...
"You knew this single guy?", I asked, refering to the single guy she was talking about.
"We had a long conversation over the phone last night, from 12 midnight till 5:30am. He talked about a lot of things. But I know, once I'm with him, my love and sex life will all be gone. What I experienced in the past will never come back...", she said. I knew what she meant. The deep emotion he had was somehow related to her sexual relationship with her previous boyfriend. That's what she said to me before, that it was the sex with him that brought out that deep love, deep emotion. So now she believe that she will not find love anymore.
I sipped my teh tarik slowly. "We can't see our future. Whether you love a person or not, it is not a guarantee for a happy life... But it seems to me that you simply want a child with this guy...", I said, slowly.
She inhale slowly, and exhale. "Yes, that's all I want, and I wish that my child will be the source of my future happiness. I know I can't love my husband, but I know I can love my child."
I just nodded. I nodded without any good reason. It is not because I agreed with what she said nor because I think that she had a good plan for her life. Infact, I think her life plan is terrible and she took a huge gamble. But I guess I nodded because just like anything else in this uncertain world, any decision she take may lead to a good life.
Now I think as if a glass is half full instead of half empty, otherwise I'll say that any decision she take may lead to a miserable life...
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